Thoughts on Parents and Children

Bumps in the Road – Are the Wheels Coming Off?

• When a parent is confused by a child’s behavior, their child is also probably feeling confused, and unable to communicate about what they are feeling. This may explain the reason why when parents ask “why did you do that?” children often respond, “I don’t know.” Often they really don’t know why. This is a parent’s cue that their child needs help.
• When a child is struggling in response to an invisible obstacle, interpreting the “why” of that child’s behavior is more difficult for parents and teachers, because they can’t see the context of the child’s behavior. Examples of invisible obstacles to optimal functioning and happiness include: an undetected learning disability, undisclosed abuse, genetic inheritance, internal mental conflicts, or subtle changes in the child’s environment or routine.
• An additional repercussion of invisible obstacles is the challenge it presents for parents, teachers, and other adults to distinguish whether it is that a child “won’t” or “can’t” follow a particular directive. An adult can misconstrue and errantly react to a child’s noncompliance with a shaming consequence, which can be exceedingly damaging to the child’s psychological well-being. It is crucial to first determine whether the child is “able” to consistently do what is being asked of him before reacting.
• At some point in their life, many children and families experience a traumatic life event; e.g., being victims of crime, experiencing an unexpected or premature significant loss, or riding out a natural disaster that leave members emotionally vulnerable. While children may not have the words to express their feelings or ask specific questions about what happened or what might happen in the future, they see and feel everything, and they carry it with them. Unable to clearly voice their thoughts and fears, they are left to cope with their personal explanations.  Children sometimes formulate exaggerated interpretations and outcomes of these situations, leading to undesirable feelings; e.g., anxiety, fear, self doubt, guilt, unworthiness, and negative thoughts and behavior.
• Coping with an unhappy and frustrated child takes a toll on parents, their partnership, marriage, and ultimately the whole family; fortunately, parents can access resources and make choices that can lead to better times.
• Parents and children don’t need to do anything to prepare or get ready for therapy. It works regardless of where the family is at; sad, frustrated, angry, confused, indifferent, or eager to learn anticipating valuable change. Dr. Lisa encourages families to come as they are, because whatever they are experiencing now is the perfect starting point. Therapy is one place parents don’t have to worry about having all the answers or knowing what to do; families and Dr. Lisa sort it out together.